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Team America: World Police: F--- yeah!

review by matthew webber

This movie was so awesome I like totally spilled my popcorn! Itís by far the best action flick since that one with Ben Affleck, the one where heís all fighting with those international bad dudes? Where heís looking all cool and American and stuff, and then heís like ďPow!Ē and the dudes are like ďOh no!Ē and he totally makes out with that hot chick at the end? Well, Team America is like that. Explosions. Terrorists. Babes. Thereís even some kick-ass, monsters-of-rock-style tuneage, kind of like the metal disc of the Grand Theft Auto soundtrack. Itís by far the best puppet movie since, I donít know, ever! (The Muppets? Fuck the Muppets. The Muppets can blow me.) I mean, even though theyíre just puppets Ė you can even see their strings! Ė the explosions look like something from a Vin Diesel movie. It was almost like Iíd seen this movie before. Say, whenís the next movie with the Rock coming out?

So back to Team America. ďFuck yeah!Ē (Iím not just putting that in there. That was actually in their theme song.) I think the South Park guys had something to do with it, at least thatís what I heard, and there sure was a lot of cursing. Plus, there was this scene where a puppet totally puked! I didnít stop laughing for the rest of the movie. There was also this freaky-deaky sex scene, way worse than what I used to do with my sisterís Barbie and Ken dolls. It was some kinky shit!

I hate to spoil the plot for you, but Iíma break it down, yo. Thereís this team of American good guys, see, and they travel to places like France, where they whip out these rockets and pop some mizzad caps: turbans, berets, whatever; die commies! I loved it when they pulverized that Eiffel Tower thingy. And that lilí French tyke with his yo-yo or something. The fat dude with the thumbs-up thing said they also blow up some art museum, not that Iíd ever go to one or anything. The fat dude (or maybe it was some other fat dude who thinks I care what he thinks) said the movieís a satyr or a satire or something; but Iím like, whatever, just bring! it! on! Booyah>! Like, itís worth destroying paintings to protect the American people. Isnít that what the president tells us on TV?

Iím glad thereís a movie that expresses this point of view, whether itís satyrs or puppets or mariachis or whoever. Iím sick of all these actors shoving politics down my throat. Sometimes I just want to kick back, pop a brewski, and turn on the E! entertainment channel without having to hear about the starving African babies or some shit. Well, this movie features all these puppet actors, like one of the Baldwin Brothers and Shawn Pen and Susan Sarabande, and theyíre even bigger idiots than they are on TV. They protest Team America Ė who smokes Ďem in the end, of course Ė but then they team up with this itty-bitty Korean dude with these big, Coke-bottle glasses, who I think is maybe a bad guy, but I know he needs to learn English, because he says he feels ďroneryĒ when he really means ďlonely.Ē Looking back, yeah, this Kim dude was bad, but I was too busy rooting against the A-rabs to care. Plus, he sings this show tune, so thatís when I took a bathroom break.

So the good guys are all good and stuff and the bad guys keeping being bad, so Team America smokes Ďem in all over the globe. The body count is high, but thereís a war on, so thatís normal. And did I mention itís awesome? I think I might have said that. I love the ethnic stereotypes and how each one gets smoked equally. Youíre either with Team America or youíre against them, suckas!

I was cracking up almost the entire time, but never at the same times as the other people around me. It was almost like they didnít appreciate a good, old-fashioned ass-whuppiní. Whoever said this movie makes fun of America is a jackass. What this movie does is celebrate America, or, at least everything that kicks ass about the best country in the world. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U. S. Fuckiní A.!

Maybe itís a satyr, whatever the fuck that means, but Team America: World Police shows the rest of the world that not all of us are dicks, pussies, and assholes. Some of us rule.

Like any good movie, Team America taught me something: Actors are jerks. War is good. Maybe I should care about that Ill Kim dude. And, of course, the good guys always win. Havenít you seen that movie?

Issue 28, November 2004


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