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Television Diary: A Week of Laugh Tracks, Cop Shows and Weak Scares

by dan heaton

In the current post-strike television era, I’ve noticed that my TiVo is a bit lighter than usual. Battlestar Galactica has triumphantly returned and so has Lost, but a small void exists. I’ve also realized that there are a large group of shows that attract huge crops of viewers but have never appeared on my television. These mainly fall into two bland categories: dull sitcoms and CSI-like crime series. Could I be missing something? Are the Emmy voters actually right?

In hopes of finding answers to these crucial questions, I’ve chosen seven popular series for this study. During a one-week period, I will view one show per night and see if my concerns are justified. These will all be network shows that attract a significant audience and aren’t brand new. This could be a painful exercise, but at least I’ll have some evidence when I ask “Do you actually like that show?” to a friend or co-worker. There are obvious flaws to this experiment; one episode might not give a complete impression of the show’s highlights. I understand this issue, but still believe this process will achieve my goals. Without further adieu, we join Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer to discover if those hideous promos are misleading.

Monday — Two & a Half Men (8:00 p.m., CBS)

I hate sitcoms. The heyday of multi-camera, situation comedies is long over. Intelligent, hilarious series like The Office and Arrested Development are in a completely different genre than the typical “sitcom.” While those shows have done well, I'm still amazed that half-hour comedies like Two & a Half Men continue to thrive, earning big ratings and Emmy nominations. I thought that I might be missing something. Maybe Jon Cryer really was a comic genius and Charlie Sheen wasn’t playing the typical sex-crazed doofus of sitcom’s past. Was it possible the laugh track wouldn't be as invasive? Not a chance.

Predictably, the episode “The Soil is Moist” was even worse than I expected, and my expectations were very low. The only highlight was a surprise appearance by Ryan Stiles, the improv expert from Whose Line Is It Anyway?, a show that I enjoy periodically in repeats. His scenes were still bad, but it’s good to see the big guy is still getting steady work. In case you’re curious, the basic plot of this episode involves Jon dating a friend of his ex-wife, who reveals that his ex-wife’s current husband Herb (Stiles) is a better lover than Jon. And hilarity ensues! Sadly, we get loads of awful sexual innuendo and stale jokes instead. There’s also a disturbing credits song with lyrics that pretty much say “men men men men men” over and over. This tune also gets reprised during transitions for even more mind-numbing fun.

I’ve never considered Charlie Sheen a great actor, but his work here is baffling. It's like he’s trying to portray the worst sitcom cliche imaginable while being drunk. And Cryer is no better. I also don’t understand the role of the kid (the half-man). Maybe he fights off high-school bullies in other episodes. Here, he just spouts really inane things and then disappears. This is not a good start. Tomorrow, I'll join Mark Harmon and the serious warriors of NCIS as they’re lost in the wilderness. I can't wait.

Tuesday — NCIS (7:00 p.m., CBS)

After the disastrous Two and Half Men (who watches that show?), I was feeling optimistic about watching a series that revolved around more than dumb sex jokes. After a few minutes of NCIS, I realized this was a different realm — shows for old people. I hate to discriminate against old people, so I'd just call it a show for boring people. To give some background, this series stars Mark Harmon, who I remember being more energetic in past roles. He plays Leroy Jethro Gibbs, the lead agent of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service (NCIS). The series was created by television institution Donald P. Bellisario, who helped to create Magnum P.I., Quantum Leap, and JAG, which is the closest relative to this show. So we’re not talking edgy, groundbreaking television here.

My lucky episode is titled “Lost & Found” and begins with the discovery that a visiting Boy Scout was once abducted. His father works as a wilderness survivalist and may also have been involved in a murder. The plot is pretty generic and does include a surprise twist that I didn’t expect, but it was probably due to my lagging interest. NCIS is another show with a large supporting cast of quirky characters that bicker while solving tough cases. The most energetic (and prominent) is Pauley Perrette as Abby, the "punk" forensic worker with lots of tattoos. The other characters aren't very memorable, though I was surprised to see a much older Lauren Holly as the boss Jenny Shepard. Apparently, Shepard had a former relationship with Gibbs, which is obviously presented in an extremely awkward scene. I have to again mention Harmon's stilted work in this episode. He's no Charlie Sheen, and is mostly believable, but something's missing. Maybe his character’s supposed to be lifeless.

NCIS also airs on CBS, which appears to have the market cornered on this type of series. One original aspect is the commercial outros and intros, which shift to black-and-white and resemble a still photograph. While this might be considered a cool effect, it can't make up for a very forgettable series. I was amazed to learn that it's actually aired for five years! If it wasn't for commercials aired during The Amazing Race, I'm not sure it would even exist for me. Sadly, this viewing did not inspire me to add an NCIS Season Pass to my TiVo. It was an improvement over my hideous first choice, but is too conventional to gain much interest. Tomorrow, I stay in the crime genre and explore some Criminal Minds. Will Joe Mantegna bring some life to the screen?

Wednesday — Criminal Minds (8:00 p.m., CBS)

After struggling through NCIS, I regretted picking another hour-long crime drama, which didn't sound appealing. Sadly, there isn't a wealth of bad sitcoms out there right now. On most days, I'd drop to my knees and be thankful that a nice group of clever comedies are out there, but not today. This fact has caused me to sit down and catch up with Joe Mantegna. Like me, he's a newcomer to the Criminal Minds family, having replaced an unhappy Mandy Patinkin at the season's start. And his co-workers aren't sure what to make about this serious guy. Mantegna plays David Rossi, the new leader of a group of FBI profilers who study the behaviors of bad people. I'm already more intrigued than with my first two choices and all I've read is the premise.

My episode was "Damaged," which relates a personal case from Rossi's past that continues to haunt him today. We begin with a crazy dream that concludes with an extremely bloody kid. Am I still watching CBS? Unfortunately, yes. It's not a coincidence that many shows that fit this essay's criteria air on that network. Returning to the episode, I was stunned to see Buffy's favorite dorky guy, Xander (Nicholas Brendon), who's grown up but is still playing a nerd. It's great to see the guy's still getting work, but he's only appeared twice so far, so we'll see. It was refreshing to see a competent supporting cast that didn't exist just to act goofy. They actually could be intelligent people, with a few exceptions. Taking on the "serious guy" role is Dharma and Greg's Thomas Gibson as Aaron "Hotch" Hotcher, who joins a younger agent to interview a serial killer. This conversation is creepy, though I'm not sure why it's in this episode. Maybe it actually relates to other episodes! A novel concept. Also making an impression are Shemar Moore, A.J. Cook and Paget Brewster as the other profilers.

I'm still not converted into a Criminal Minds fan, but I could see myself watching it periodically in a world without satellite or Netflix. This hour went by quickly, and while they gave Mantegna a few too many scenes to brood, it mostly works. The veteran actor is definitely going for an Emmy nod with one drunken speech, which is way overwritten. If we'd spent less time with the grown-up kids from the dream, this episode would have mostly succeeded. Those scenes, which mostly occur in the beginning, grind the show to a halt. Once the agents get involved, however, it's generally a good effort. I don't think it's a coincidence that the show's creator, Jeff Davis, is barely over 30 and doesn't have a big resume. Unlike the extremely typical NCIS, we do get a few exciting moments. It's nothing to call your friends about, but serves its purpose. Tomorrow, we leap over to the CW to join Dean (or whatever his name is now) and his brother as they tackle the Supernatural.

Thursday — Supernatural (8:00 p.m., CW)

I’ve only seen the first two seasons of The Gilmore Girls, but it’s still really hard to watch Supernatural without thinking of Jared Padalecki as Dean, Rory’s first boyfriend. His character is actually named Sam Winchester, but it’s even worse because the show’s idiotic creators actually decided to name the other main character Dean. Are they purposely trying to mess with me? This series’ “Dean” is played by Jensen Eckles, a serious guy with an extremely low voice and a resume that includes Dawson’s Creek, Smallville and Days of Our Lives. He seems to be the Mulder of this duo, but his brother’s coming around. It seems that the Winchester boys spend their days battling all types of paranormal creatures. This week’s target is a coven of witches, which brings to mind the long-running Charmed. Sadly, this episode does not go well beyond the quality of that unfortunate series.

This entry is named “Malleus Maleficarum,” which even sounds like a title from The X-Files. Googling this phrase reveals that it is a famous 15th-century treatise on witches and is translated from Latin as “the Hammer of Witches.” Researching this title was nearly more interesting than watching the actual on-screen events. The story begins with a happy married couple returning from a party. The wife goes to brush her teeth, but is felled by an unseen attack. Her “death by toothbrush” leads the Winchesters into town to investigate the killing. They discover the existence of a book club of suburban housewives who may be studying more than the latest Oprah-endorsed release. Predictably, chaos ensues and they barely escape with their lives. We also learn more about the demonic Ruby (Katie Cassidy) and her background, which I’m guessing is important to fans of the series. One terrible/great moment involves a second murder attempt of the victim’s husband. While he grieves, we hear Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”, which will bring even more money to rock/TV star Bret Michaels, which makes me sad. However, when the attack occurs, the song switches to the enthralling “I Put a Spell on You” by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins. Take that, Bret Michaels!

There’s nothing particularly wrong with this episode, but the events never go above being mildly entertaining. It definitely comes closer to my genre preferences, but takes itself way too seriously. There’s blood and mild profanity to attract the kids, and the acting is acceptable. However, I barely remembered seeing it almost immediately after the show ended. I’ll survive without ever knowing if Dean avoids the fires of hell and if Ruby is actually on their side. I understand the allure, but am going to stick with old monster episodes of The X-Files for now. Tomorrow, I’ll join Jennifer Love Hewitt as she whispers to some unhappy ghosts.

Friday — Ghost Whisperer (8:00 p.m., CW)

All I knew about this show is that it starred Jennifer Love Hewitt and involved ghosts. While that might be enough to draw many people, I was dreading this viewing. The few commercials I’d seen looked ultra-safe, with no edge or quirkiness. My expectations were not incorrect. Although it deals with the supernatural, I must place Ghost Whisperer into the growing categories of “shows for old people” and “shows for boring people.” I can’t believe how a show about ghosts haunting people can be so dead. Hewitt tries to look serious, but the pace is so dreary and slow that even she looks bored.

This episode was called “Home but Not Alone” and involves Ned’s new girlfriend Lisa having a ghostly visitor. Who’s Ned, you ask? From what I can tell, he’s the son of Delia, who works with Melinda (Hewitt) at an antiques store. Delia is actually played by Camryn Manheim, who rose to fame on The Practice. She’s protective of her son because it’s his first official date, but Ned seems like a well-meaning guy. Isn’t this fascinating? The main plot involves a ghost who’s overly concerned with anyone getting too close to Lisa’s family. Evidence suggests it’s the girl’s dead father, and Melinda even sees a strange-looking spirit. This episode really drags and could have been a half-hour long. No one is interesting enough to warrant such slowly paced scenes.

The best part of Ghost Whisperer is actually the credits sequence, which is clever in the vein of HBO’s Carnivale. That is one of the few similarities between the two series. This episode does include a touching final sequence, but to get there we’re forced to sit through loads of melodrama, which is one of my least-favorite things in the world. Hewitt has an attractive screen presence and performs adequately. The show’s premise just seems extremely limited to the “ghost of the week” premise. This formula probably works out for some tastes, but to me it falls into gloomy territory. Only two shows left! Tomorrow, I’ll join Vincent D’Onofrio as he tries to uncover some criminal intent.

Saturday — Law & Order: Criminal Intent (8:00 p.m., NBC)

Actually, I’m surprised to report that D’Onofrio only participates in some of the Criminal Intent episodes. This episode, entitled “Lonelyville,” stars Chris Noth and Alicia Witt as Logan and Fallaci — the lead detectives on the case. Noth once starred on the original Law & Order, and he returned several years ago to take a part-time role on this series. Who knew? I don’t have much patience for this type of show, which has been done countless times. However, the actors do perform well and make their characters believable. It’s also nice to see Eric Bogosian as their department superior looking very serious. This is definitely a step up from Mark Harmon territory. The material is fast-paced and doesn’t get wrapped up in offering forced, quirky moments. Of course, the downside of this procedural approach is a lack of connection between the detectives and the audience.

“Lonelyville” covers the murder of a young Ukranian girl who may have been involved in multiple blackmail schemes. The obvious suspect is a writer with no alibi, but Logan isn’t certain they’ve caught the right guy. Several twists and turns occur to keep the story moving, and the cops must use some clever trickery to catch the killer. In similar fashion to Criminal Minds, I can’t fault anyone from watching this series. However, this isn’t material that you’ll be thinking about days after viewing it. Criminal Intent does give us some details about the criminals before the detectives, but that gimmick doesn’t move it too far beyond the typical formula. Tomorrow, I’ll conclude my week in sitcom territory and learn if there’s humor in The Game.

Sunday — The Game (8:00 p.m., CW)

For my final selection, I chose a show that I knew virtually nothing about before the viewing. The Game is a spin-off of the CW’s popular series Girlfriends and focuses on the wives of several professional football players in San Diego. I was relieved to discover that this was single-camera series that did not incorporate the tired sitcom studio setting. Sadly, it does have a laugh track, which is not good. Everyone seems to be having a great time, which does create an infectious energy. It’s too bad the plot devices are so dull. Tia Mowry stars as Melanie, who works at some type of sports agency. She has an attractive screen presence and delivers a few laughs, but the jokes generally stray into obvious territory.

This episode is titled “White Men Can’t Jump, But They’re Definitely Packing!” and involves Melanie’s new boss flashing her to disprove racial stereotypes. There aren’t many preachy moments, but this whole premise doesn’t really work. Another goofy set-up involves Derwin’s attempts to bond with his teammates by getting a tattoo. They play a cruel joke on him, which just isn’t very funny either. There are a few odd acting appearances, mainly Rick Fox playing himself and Curtis Armstrong (aka Booger) as a marriage counselor. The Game is pretty dumb, but it’s still a lot more enjoyable than Two & a Half Men. The cast is having fun with the material, which is more than I can say of Charlie Sheen. It’s tough to forgive the “slow clap” scene at the end of this episode, but at least there is life to the very conventional moments.

Conclusion

My one-week expedition into unknown TV territory was painful at times, but I do feel more knowledgeable about the network offerings. It did reinforce my theory that there is a lot of crap out there. I avoided game shows and low-rent reality series and still witnessed some dreary shows. There won’t be any new additions to my TiVo choices, but that’s just fine. I’m happy to stick with The Office, Lost, Battlestar Galactica, The Wire and other wonderful series. And other great offerings like The Shield and The Amazing Race will return in the future. It’s truly a remarkable time for groundbreaking television, and while stupid clunkers will continue to draw big audiences, they represent only a small portion of the diverse options available. Bravo.


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