100 Albums. 100 Words.
Part Four: 81 - 100

by matthew webber

The Thesis

100 albums. 100 words. Not the "best" or "most important." Not the ones that "capture the zeitgeist." These are the albums I actually enjoy; the albums, you know, I actually listen to. The all-time, top-100, desert-island mixes. The ones that console me, cheer me, excite me. The ones that inspire me, understand me, move me. The ones I've loved again and again. The ones I can't imagine life without. The only ones worth the following reflections, all of them containing 100 words apiece. Basically, my favorite albums ever. Totally subjective? Maybe. Sure! But what's more fun than arguing music?

{Note: Part One (1 - 20) can be found here; Part Two (21 - 40) is here; Part Three (41 - 60) is here, and Part Four (61 - 80) is here.}

81. Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here

I liked Pink Floyd much better in high school; however, I still make time for them now, much more so than other former favorites, namely, The Doors and post-Black Album Metallica, staples of a teenage boy’s rock ‘n’ roll diet, at least those post-Black Album boys who watched The Doors and played guitar... and who was I talking about again? Pink Floyd? Perhaps their greatest strength is their music’s versatility. It’s perfect for writing or falling asleep, or any other setting where quietness reigns, but also for driving and testing new speakers – or really whenever you want to hear music.

82. Bjork - Homogenic

Bjork’s bizarre music is hard to describe, other than saying what I just said. I also could’ve said it’s poppy and catchy (at least until later, when it got too, well, Bjork-y), which happens to be the way I describe it. Sure, there are orchestras battling computers, and songs about whales and bachelorettes and blood – and that’s just one song, with its mesmerizing video – and Bjork’s own voice like a baby or a bird, screaming and cooing like no one else on Earth, passionate, powerful, barely controlled, hitting every note like a temple-stabbing icicle, albeit one that warms your heart.

83. Northern State - Dying in Stereo

Three white chicks who pass the mic, Northern State are the female Beastie Boys. Liberally educated, politically liberal, they target those rap fans who vote and volunteer. Despite their three albums being so phenomenal, they’ve only sold eighty-three copies to date – six of them to me and the other K-State Matt. Thus, this group is another that’s mine, one I promote through rantings and mixtapes. I seldom mention our parallel lives, both of us peaking in 2003: The group got profiled (briefly) in Spin, when I was somehow an intern there. I hear these girls; I think of New York.

84. Elton John - Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

This album is perfect for pizza-place jukeboxes, late-night walks to all-night diners, a random gift to your piano-playing mom...

I’m struggling here to say something new, to not repeat what I’ve written before, to maybe say something approaching concision, instead of treating every review like a sprawling double album in need of paring down, an action I’m thankful Elton didn’t take, allowing me to mimic his rollicking piano, one of the many that inspired Ben Folds, whose other awesome albums I fear won’t get reviewed, six months after I started writing, and one or two more before you’re going, "What?"

85. Stone Temple Pilots - Tiny Music

Pop Quiz

Word Problems

23) Tuesday morning. New STP! You simply can’t wait – it’s been years since Tiny Music, STP’s third, and third-greatest, album. Your favorite record store opens at 10. The trip takes 15 minutes by bicycle. Your first class starts at 11:30. Considering the store sells new and used CDs, how many minutes can you spend there, browsing?

24) The album you're buying has a number in its title. Multiply this by Tiny Music’s ranking.

25) How many people, besides yourself, actually bought their next and final album?

26) How many people, besides yourself, want them back together?

86. MC Paul Barman - Paullelujah!

Another def choice among tone-deaf English grad students, this guy boasts about having five fans. I’d like to argue here that everyone should hear him, rapping, as he does, about higher education, hot female authors, and, unfortunately, "Burping & Farting," but I realize he’s an acquired taste. For every rapped instruction on how to write a paper, there’s a wannabe zinger on gender relations: "There’s more of the same come where that come came from." There’s also a buttload of sick internal rhyme schemes – and even whole verses rapped in friggin’ palindrome. His flow is ill; the beats are, um, iller?

87. Guns N’ Roses - Use Your Illusion I & II

For sixteen long years, I’ve waited for the followup. Look for more words here in 2023.

88. Missy Elliott - Under Construction

For about two albums, I believed in Missy Elliott. Full of Far East sound effects and onomatopoeia, her songs were pushing envelopes in mailbags on the moon. Missy was fat, and she joked about it, phatly. Backwards rap she did? Yes hell! Sure, her R&B jams were wack. And her spoken-word interludes were clearly unrehearsed. But that was the whole of their ramshackle charm. Missy was throwing a party for everyone – black, white, male, female, old, young, East, Dirty South – anyone willing to giggle a little. She pretty much reinvented the album. So why don’t I buy her albums anymore?

89. Jay-Z - The Black Album

God, this dude’s a cocky bastard, telling you how dope he is in every other line. The new B.I.G., the hip-hop Michael Jordan, a bitch-free dude with ninety-nine problems... Actually, homeboy’s the hip-hop Dizzy Dean, ‘cause it ain’t braggin’ if you rap about rapping. (I’ve got ninety-nine problems, too, but baseball allusions sure ain’t one.) All this dude’s albums are perfect for businessmen; they’re self-help books on tape, with beats: "How to Make Records for Affluent People," "Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (That’s Just Nas)." This one has my favorite beats; thus, it’s my favorite to blast on my commute.

90. Avril Lavigne - Under My Skin

I’ve already written and argued this to death. I don’t care who wrote these songs. I don’t care how "authentic" they’re not. I don’t even care how annoying Avril is. All I care about is how the music sounds: well-played, well-sung, well-written (by whomever); darker in tone and subject than expected; something I love despite myself, for all the previous reasons and more. (Um, I’m a 28-year-old man. Hello?) You shouldn’t judge art for what it’s not. This album, I believe, is great for what it is. Compared to Beethoven, sure, it’s shit. Compared to Britney, it’s solid gold.

91. Oasis - (What’s the Story) Morning Glory?

If a band wants to pick a band to rip off, The Beatles are a better choice than most. You don’t have to be a virtuoso on your instrument, you don’t have to be a genius with your lyrics, and you don’t even have to enjoy your band mates’ company. All you need is love – and tunes. (Numerous Beatle references probably can’t hurt.) No band has ripped off The Beatles more blatantly than Oasis, so few have come as close to the early Beatles’ tunefulness. (Others are much more original about it.) Mind-sticking melodies + universal platitudes = this collection of cocksure classics.

92. Dave Matthews Band - Crash

I finally saw this band in concert, which means I saw them years too late. I really should’ve seen them in college or earlier, when I would’ve appreciated their jamming much more, instead of checking my watch on a work night. But at least I’m not sick of their songs anymore. In college, you see, their music was everywhere: every dorm room, every lawn, every open mic night in every campus coffeehouse... I never needed to play my copies, hearing everyone else’s every day. Now I can miss this band’s best work and hear it with fondness instead of dread.

93. Neil Young - Harvest

Reading reviews of Neil Young today, I’m struck by the claim that he almost sold out. What, because this album’s accessible, Young can’t be an iconoclast anymore? For someone who’s made a career out of changing, why wouldn’t this change also be acceptable? I don’t know, and I don’t care. It wouldn’t be the first time a "sellout" album spoke to me. I know I love the lyrics and melodies. I know I love how American it sounds, despite or because the artist is Canadian. I know I’d love to make such a statement, capturing the world in three-minute tunes.

94. The Who - Who’s Next

The best drum solo in all recorded history. The least cheesy use of a synthesizer ever. One of rock’s most famous screams. A cover with rock gods peeing on an obelisk. Yes, this album truly has it all. Despite or because it’s not a concept album, Who’s Next is more cohesive – and better – than Tommy. (Of course, at sixteen, I disagreed, vehemently.) Credit is due to Pete Townsend’s songcraft, which reaches its zenith on "Baba O’Riley," which pointedly articulates a strange "teenage wasteland." Exhibit A that words are overrated, but playing your heart out never, ever is. Play it loudly.

95. Hole - Celebrity Skin

"God, this guy has horrible taste. This shitty band appears on here twice? What about my favorite band? Or anyone more important than this? I’m sick of him praising this copycat crap. His stupid, indefensible, subjective beliefs... doesn’t he know how objectively they suck? I bet he’s gonna say he heard this in college, and its ‘bittersweet sound’ reminds him of something – emotions and feelings and homework and shit – or else he just likes it, you know? He likes it! I bet he’s not being contrarian either. He actually likes this shit unironically. This is something we have to debate."

96. Smashing Pumpkins - Adore

"Dude, we get it. You love the ‘90s. Since Billy’s the decade’s quintessential rock star, at least among those who didn’t die, you like him more than you can explain. Despite and because your moment has passed, you bought his comeback album, didn’t you? You claim to like it, but do you? Really? Isn’t it just a reclamation project, for Billy and you and everyone else, now that we’ve all moved on to other people – which, in your case, are quiet singer/songwriters? Thus, despite Adore’s techno touches, doesn’t it preview the stuff you like now? Quiet? Melodic? Wussy? It’s you!"

97. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication

"What, no Foo Fighters? Green Day? Sponge? Didn’t you mention The Toadies earlier? Weren’t you into Spacehog in college? I know you like to sing along – you’re probably a dork who likes to try to harmonize – so I guess this album is ‘perfect’ for that. I guess it’s loaded with ‘hummable tunes.’ I’m sure it reminds of you of people and places, since that’s what you seem to value in music, as well as its, I don’t know, ‘fiery fretwork,’ ‘lecherous grooves,’ and ‘lyrical gangsterdom.’

"You gave your game away too early. I’d write a poem, but you’d get surly."

98. Marvin Gaye - What’s Going On

Finally, an album that’s actually important, not just to me, but also to the world, as Marvin’s questions remain unanswered. What’s going on? Well, that one’s easy. War, greed, poverty, racism... the sorts of ills a pop song can’t cure. And that’s why Marvin’s asking why. If everyone knows what’s going on, why don’t we try to better this world? Why don’t we stop to listen to each other? If nothing else, we should listen to Marvin. Spreading love and soothing pain, Marvin’s voice comes close to breaking – all the hearts of everyone listening. Even his sighs convey the truth.

99. Bright Eyes - I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning

The newest and Dylan-est of all the "new Dylans," Conor Oberst transcends this lame shorthand. Sure, his band’s music is pure Americana, a mix of country, folk, and rock. Sure, he wields his pen like a sword, which actually makes his liner notes readable, to see if he really said what you heard. Dylan’s the best, but Conor’s just Conor, an artist who’ll inspire "new Conors" in the future. In a world of computers, he’s bringing wordplay back; you other troubadours don’t know how to act.

I still want someone to be the new me. Take that to the bridge.

100. Vanilla Ice - To the Extreme

No, I’m not being ironic or contrarian. Or funny, cutesy, amusing, etc. What I’m doing is being real. I simply can’t leave this album out.

I truly, honestly love this album. At least I used to, which means I still do, remembering a time when I wasn’t so critical, when I didn’t even own five albums to rank, when I loved music just because.

I love it subjectively, irrationally, openly. It’s not a guilty pleasure at all.

I know this choice is indefensible.

I know I’ve lost my critical credibility.

I’ve probably lost my dignity, too.

Word to your mother.

100. Vanilla Ice - To the Extreme

Nope, I’m not the least bit objective, knowing, as I do, how bad this album is, but knowing, also, how music works. I’ve never forgotten how much this album meant to me, as something I’d bought with my very own money, a totem I’d chosen to represent myself.

I still know most of the words to this – the whole goddamn album, not just "Ice Ice Baby," a song that always makes me feel happy, giggling like the former schoolboy I am – and rap them whenever I’m feeling extreme. Vanilla ice cream? V.I.P. passes? These are the triggers to schoolboy flashbacks.

100. Vanilla Ice - To the Extreme

My other early, pre-grunge cassettes? Stashed in a drawer, forever unplayed. This dumb album? I never stopped playing it, all throughout high school and college and beyond, and even today for the sake of having fun.

Music doesn’t always need to be meaningful. It doesn’t need to change the world. As long as it changes your world, it’s enough.

Just remember the year I was born, and everything I’ve written on music, life, and memory. I won’t apologize for liking this music. I can’t apologize for being myself.

This album deserves its honorary ranking. Why? Because there’s no other choice.

Albums I'd Stash in My Desert-Island Travel Bag

Tori Amos, Boys for Pele & From the Choirgirl Hotel. Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine. Beatles, Let It Be. Busta Rhymes, Extinction Level Event. Cake, Comfort Eagle. Eagles, Hotel California. Fleetwood Mac, Rumours. Ben Folds, ...Reinhold Messner. Foo Fighters, The Colour and the Shape. Green Day, Dookie. Megadeth, Countdown to Extinction. NWA, Straight Outta Compton. Beth Orton, Central Reservation. Pearl Jam, Vitalogy. Liz Phair. Poe, Haunted. Pulp, This Is Hardcore. Radiohead, The Bends. Run-DMC, Raising Hell. Spacehog, Resident Alien. Sponge, Rotting Pinata. Justin Timberlake, Justified. Toadies, Rubberneck. Tupac, Me Against the World. Van Halen, Fair Warning. Rufus Wainwright, Poses. Brian Wilson, Smile.

The Invitation

Got some free time? Wanna write something? This "100 Words" project is open to everyone. If you like what you see here -- or, even better, if you think it sucks -- I’d love to see a list from you! What are your own favorite 100 albums? Films? Books? Breakfast cereals? Mustaches throughout history? The possibilities are truly infinite. Just rank your favorite whatevers (that’s the fun and easy part), describe them in EXACTLY 100 words (that’s the challenging but fun part), and post your list. Then we can trade our links – and our arguments. For more information, e-mail me at mattwebber@gmail.com.

The Disclaimer

All words were counted using the Word Count tool in my version of Word Perfect.

Visit the author's website at www.matthewwebber.net.